Losses sting. And to be brutally honest, I’ve been on the end of a fair few these past few months. Each loss has triggered a host of complex emotions (mostly negative) that are hard to process and respond to. So this blog post is as much an expression of accountability as it is a guide for myself and others to bounce back.
1. Acceptance
Bouncing back from a loss starts with acceptance; starting with a straightforward, honest conversation with yourself on what went wrong. At this point, excuses are the ultimate enemy of acceptance and will diminish your sense of personal responsibility for the loss and minimise your ability to respond to it. Throw your excuses in the bin and focus on what you can improve on.
Acceptance can also be utilised to process your emotions, whatever they may be. Acknowledging your frustration at losing should serve as a reminder as to why you cared anyway, why you compete and why you invested hours in the training room trying to improve your skills. Let those emotions vindicate why you took the plunge in the first place, rather than burying them. To shamelessly quote Freud, “unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Instead of burying them, let those emotions renew your ambition and narrow your focus, rather than ignoring their existence or validity.
2. Amor Fati
Amor Fati Amor Fati, or a “love of fate” is a philosophical concept embraced by the stoics that, in the words of Ryan Holiday, teaches us to treat “each and every moment – no matter how challenging – as something to be embraced, not avoided”
Amor Fati, works in tandem with accepting your loss – as by embracing its occurrence you will treat every grain of adversity you encountered as a bullet point to focus on for your next challenge. You were taken down at will? Work on your takedown defence. You ran out of gas in the last minute? Work on your cardio.
Much like the philosopher Zeno founded stoicism on the wreck of his cargo-laden ship, you must be able to use your losses as the building blocks for your next victory. And who knows? Maybe you needed that loss? Maybe you were getting complacent, or lazy. Maybe you were directing your focus in the wrong place. Embrace your losses as much as your wins.
3. Growth Mindset
Growth mindset is a psychological concept pioneered by Professor Carol Dweck primarily through her studies on students. The studies demonstrated with stunning efficacy that the students who believed their efforts would lead to significant improvement in the classroom outperformed those who believed that studying was futile and that grades are largely determined by pre-determined, fixed attributes. The first group of students can be described as having a growth mindset and the second, a fixed mindset.
When implementing a growth mindset to bounce back from your loss, language is key. It’s not uncommon to catch yourself saying things like – “I lost because I’m just not good at XYZ”, or “I’ve never performed well in competition and I never will.” This is evidence of a fixed mindset creeping back into your psyche. Instead, you should see your loss as a snapshot in time. A temporary representation of your skills versus your opposition. A yardstick from which to build upon. The loss will only represent you for as long as you let it and so long as you believe it is a fixed representation of your abilities. Cultivate a growth mindset and get to work.
